Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
