Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
