she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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