i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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