If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
