tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
