I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
