I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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