If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
