I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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