Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
