Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
