I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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