I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The best revenge is premature balding
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
