Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
