I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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