Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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