Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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