I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
