Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
