I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
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I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
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this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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