Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
