I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just found a bag of teeth...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
