I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
