I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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