I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
