I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
