shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
