Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
