I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
