Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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