Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
