When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
