At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
