my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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