i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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