I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
