Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
