Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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