wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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