Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
