i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
