apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
