i think my tv is drunk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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