I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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