Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
