So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
