i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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