I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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