He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
