I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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