highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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